WHIPPED!
by The Last Little Kodamas
Summary: Rinoa's got Squall totally whipped, and Zell and Irvine feel it is their duty as his friends to tell him, no matter the circumstances! Alternate titles: Wow! Zell gets a hotdog! The terrible wrath of Rinoa, Ouch! My butt hurts! and, Squall, you used
1. Part 1: The Problem

Body

**!WHIPPED!**

By The Last Little Kodamas 

"Oh Squally-Wally, come over here and get me a drink!" Cooed Rinoa from her seat in Balamb Garden's cafeteria, where her and Squall were eating their lunch. 

"Could I!?" Exclaimed Squall and he jumped up from his chair and quickly poured her a glass of soda. Now I realize that there is something very wrong with this picture, and you readers aren't the only ones who noticed. Zell and Irvine observed this whole charade with disgust. 

"Squall, I never would have thought that you would turn into a whipped chump. I am ashamed." Said Irvine to himself as he watched Squall ask Rinoa if she wanted fries with that. Meanwhile Zell was plotting how he could steal Rinoa's hot dog, because it was the last one, but he still agreed that the scene being played before him was really pathetic. 

"I think we need to open his eyes Zell, show him what a sorry loser he has become eh?" 

"Yeah. But do you think it would be less conspicuous if I pushed her over and grabbed the hot dog, or if I carefully grabbed it from under her nose, trying carefully to make sure she wouldn't see me?" 

"Um, push her over, that'll work." 

"OK." Zell ran over to her table, pushed Rinoa out of her chair, accidentally squeezing a bottle of mustard on her shirt in his haste, and grabbed the prize hot dog. He sauntered back over to where Irvine was standing while Rinoa tried to scream at him. 

"Success!" Zell looked at the wondrous concoction of meat and bun and frowned. "Awww man! She put sauerkraut on it! Gross!" He looked at the dog again, carefully considering whether he was going to eat it or not "Oh well." He wolfed it down so fast it seemed as if he didn't chew. "It tastes OK." 

"Uh Zell, I'd be mighty careful if I was you, cause Rinoa's coming over here with her Wing Edge, and she doesn't look happy." 

"Eeeep! Bring Squall to the **2nd Floor Classroom**, and I'll meet you there." 

"Alright." 

"Oh and I think we'll need some sort of teaching aid. I'll try to prepare something while I'm hiding, you should do the same." 

"OK! Now get outta here before she sees where you went!" 

Zell ran out of the cafeteria as fast as he could, to his special hiding place where he went whenever he got Rinoa mad enough to shove things up his butt. Irvine had heard a rumor that he hid in the girl's washroom, but he decided not to ask. If Zell had become attached the girl's washroom after his little T-board incident, it wasn't really any of his business. Hyne knows he had skeletons in his closet like you wouldn't believe, he just supposed he was better at hiding them than Zell was. Irvine spotted Squall heading towards him, while an exasperated Rinoa headed off to the washroom to try to clean off the mustard. Well, if those rumors he'd been hearing were true, he hoped Zell knew how to be real quiet, for his own sake. 

"Hey Squall." He said as Squall came within hearing distance. 

"Kinneas. Did you see where Zell went? Rinoa says his ass has a date with her Wing Edge." 

"Nope. I didn't see a thing." 

"Oh. OK then. I better keep looking. Rinoa doesn't like it when I get sidetracked." 

"Well I don't want Rinoa to be mad at you because of me." 

"You're a pal." 

"What're pals for? Oh and Squall, meet me at the **2nd Floor Classroom** in an hour. Alone." 

"Uh, you aren't going to tie me up to the side of Garden, are you?" 

"That was Fuijin and Raijin and I even think Selphie had hand in that! I swear!" 

"Oh. I believe you." 

"Sucker." 

"What!?" 

"I said, 'see you later!'" 

"Yeah. See you in an hour." 

"Good luck finding Zell." 

Squall wandered out of the cafe, still searching for their hidden friend. Irvine decided to wait for the next hour in the classroom, amusing himself by hacking into the computers and replacing the Garden info with an animated picture of a duck moving its head around all weird. Heeheeheee. They'd have a hard time figuring out who had done it this time. He should have guessed they would have known it was him last time, because he was the only other person on almost the entire planet except for Zone who owned that copy of Girl Next Door. He sauntered out of the cafe toward the elevators, a big smirk on his face. 

*************************************** 

Zell huddled in the corner of his stall in the girl's washroom. It was a quite amazing place filled with pillows and perfume and almost everything else a girl could need. It made the guy's washroom look like an outhouse. Wait, the guy's washroom _was_ an outhouse! But it was the most comfortable place for him to hide in the entire school that he could think of. He could hide out here for hours, all he needed to do was grab a pillow or two and he was all set. Sometimes it could take hours, even days before Rinoa's wrath would run out, and being cramped in a small closet or under someone's bed for that long was not his idea of fun. Zell thought he was quire smart, because he knew where to hide in comfort. 

All was silent and Zell was just about to doze off when a couple of girls entered the room and headed towards the sink. 

"Ugh. That dink Dincht is so gonna get it when Squall finds him for me. Mustard doesn't come out very easily you know! Look what he did to my new shirt Selphie!" 

_Uh-oh_. He thought. It was Rinoa and Selphie! He had to be quiet. Quiet as a mouse, as a- his nose started to itch. Oh no! The perfume! He must be allergic! This was just not his day. Sure he got a hot dog, but would it really be worth it after Rinoa found him? _Stupid!Stupid!Stupid!_ He chided himself just as the sneeze came out. It wasn't a little sneeze either. 

"Achooeychooey!" 

"Did you hear that Selphie? There's only one person we know who sneezes like that!" 

"Who? Headmaster Cid?" 

"No! Zell! He must be hiding in here somewhere." 

"He's hiding in the toilet, I just know it!" Said Selphie. 

"Let's just try the stalls first k?" 

"OK!" 

Zell cringed with fear. Maybe if he made himself really small, they wouldn't see him. He could cast mini on himself. Waitaminute, he couldn't _have_ mini! Wrong game! Dammit! He decided to just curl himself up into a little ball instead and close his eyes. He heard the two girls start opening doors on either side of him and he prayed to Hyne that Selphie would be the one who found him and disregard him as part of the scenery or something. However the moment of doom was soon upon him as Rinoa and Selphie both came to stand in front of his stall at the same time. 

"The process of elimination places the dead man in this stall!" Said Rinoa as she stepped forward to open the door. Zell had forgotten to lock it. _D'oh!_ But it was too late to be chiding himself on his lack of intelligence again. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and curled up even more. Zell almost felt like a pretzel. He heard the door creak open slowly and felt Rinoa's eyes on him, burning like fire. 

"Well, well, well. Look what we found Selphie." 

"What did we find Rinoa? I don't see anything!" 

"That's because you have your eyes closed honey." 

"Oh. Silly me. Tee-hee." 

"Now what do you see?" 

"Oh it's Zell! Hi Zell!" 

He opened his eyes and looked up to see Rinoa looming over him, brandishing her Wing Edge, a grim smile on her face. Selphie, however, was smiling happily, waving at him, unaware of what was going on, even though Rinoa prolly told her about six times on the way to the bathroom alone. 

"Hi guys." He managed to squeak out. 

"Thought you could hide from me, eh Zell?" 

"That was the plan Rinoa." 

Oh dear, I'm late for my training session with Quistis." Said Selphie, still completely oblivious to the situation and she skipped out of the room, humming her little song about trains. 

"Hmph! Meanie!" 

"Y-you're not gonna hurt me?" 

"No. I'm still gonna shove this," she said, holding up her menacing weapon, "where the sun don't shine, but as you should know by now, I have to say 'meanie,' it's part of what makes me Rinoa." 

"Huh?" 

"It's like you always saying, 'aw man!' And Raijin, 'ya know?' And Squall, '...whatever.' It's my catch phrase." 

"Gotcha." 

"So do you want this to be easy on you or not?" 

"Pardon!?" 

"Are you gonna kick and scream as I ram my Wing Edge up your ass, or are you going to take it like man?" 

"Wouldn't most men kick and scream?" 

"Point taken. But you know what I meant." 

"Uh, I think I'm gonna be screaming Rinoa." 

"OK. More fun for me anyway. Hold still." 

He let out a long piercing wail as she did her worst, and then it was done. 

"Pleasure doing business with you Zell." 

"Waaah! I can't walk! It hurts, you witch!" 

"Watch it pal." 

"Sorry. But I'm in pain!" 

"Do I look like the doctor? If you need medical attention, go tell her, not me!" With that, she turned around and exited the bathroom, completely calm, despite the fact she had just rendered a man so he may never sit again. Zell suddenly guessed this is what it must feel like to have permanent hemorrhoids and limped out of the room towards the infirmary and a pair of crutches. 

...To be continued.... 

Author's note: I have more, but this is already long enough, so I will just make that rest another chapter k people? Well, I thought most of it was rather amusing, now I want to know what you thought of it? Review it please! Oh yeah, I wasn't trying to be mean to Zell, but that is prolly the most likely thing that would happen to him if he ever did that. Well, bye! Tune in again soon for the next chapter! 


	2. Part 2: Crutches, Lip Balm, and a little...

Body

!WHIPPED! 

PART 2: CRUTCHES, LIP BALM, AND A LITTLE BIT OF VIOLENCE ON SELPHIE'S PART. 

By The Last Little Kodamas 

Irvine had just finished his little prank and was shutting down Squall's computer. Tee-hee. They would trace the pic back to Squall's console and Irvine would get away with it. He started to chuckle. He had also figured out how to break into the main system, so now all the computers in the whole Garden would have that duck. It was gonna be greater than the time he tied Squall to the side of the Garden-er-the time Fuijin, Raijin and Selphie tied Squall to the side of Garden. Squall entered the classroom just as Irvine stood up. 

"Oh hi Squall, you made it. Rinoa call off the great Zell hunt?" 

"Yeah, she found him." 

"Really!? Where!?" 

"Uh, I think she said in the girls washroom." 

"So I guess those rumors are true." 

"I guess." 

"That's just freaky man." 

"I almost feel sorry for the guy." 

"Me too." 

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" 

"Well, we have to wait for Zell, speak of the devil, here he is now." 

"Hi Zell." 

Zell hopped into the classroom on crutches. He also had to wear one of those plastic butt things that you have to wear when you break your tailbone. Let's just say Zell was slightly less than happy, and he had an expression of pain on his face. 

"What happened to you Zell!?" Exclaimed Irvine, a look of pure shock on his face. He knew Rinoa would hurt him, but this was much more than he thought she was gonna do to him. 

"Rinoa found me." 

"I knew that! But what did she do to you man!?" 

"I'd rather not say. The memories are too painful." 

"Hey guys, what about me? You said you needed to discuss something with _me_, not talk to Zell about what Rinoa shoved up his anal cavity! Cut in Squall. 

"Oh. Right. You." 

"So..?" 

"Squall, we hate to have to be the ones who have to tell you this, but as your friends-" 

"_Your best_ friends," said Zell. 

"As I was saying, as your friends, we feel that we have to inform you that Rinoa's got you whipped." 

"What!?" 

"She's got you thrashed, you're her bitch-" 

"I don't understand your slang terminology." 

"OK...how about, you're totally under her control?" 

"I am not!" 

"We thought you might say that," said Irvine as he walked over to Quistis' desk and turned on the computer. 

"Do you have authorization to do that?" Asked Squall. If there was one thing that hadn't changed about him, it was the fact he would never do anything bad without orders to do so, and sometimes not even then. Not always a good thing. 

"Of course! I would never use other's things without permission, you know that!" 

"Then why did you take my lip balm?"  
"I am insulted that you would even _think_ it was me, Squall." 

"I found it in your pocket!"  
"That's because, uh, Quistis put it there!" 

"Oh. Well I guess I should go lecture her on the evils of taking my lip balm then." 

"You do that Squall. Oh and I think she stole the keys to the Ragnarok too." 

"That's it! The bitch is going down! She can't take my beloved Ragnarok! My daddy gave it to me! Me!" 

"Calm down Squall. You can deal with her later." Said Zell. "Now, as you were trying to say, Irvine?" 

"Yeah. Since we knew you would deny your complete whippedness, we've decided to give you a little presentation to open your eyes." 

"I'm not whipped!" 

"Just hear us out buddy ol' pal." 

"Fine. But I don't have to like it." 

"Whatever. Lights please Zell." 

Zell hobbled over to the light switch, mumbling something about bossy cowboys and not leaving a sorceress with a sharp object when she's mad, and turned off the lights. Irvine pressed a switch at the desk where he had plunked down, and it turned on a large screen behind him. 

"OK. Point A," started Irvine as he quickly wrote down what he was saying on the computer, which showed up on the large screen, "you never have 'time' to hang out with us, your pals, even though we prolly wouldn't want to cause you're really embarrassing, but that's not the point." 

"How am I embarrassing?" Asked Squall, slightly hurt that his friends thought that. 

"Well," continued Zell, "if we did go on a guy's night out, you would constantly be talking about Rinoa, and she's got you so tight in her web that you're even beginning to act like her." 

"What!? You meanies!" 

"Um...Yeah." Said Irvine looking at Squall rather oddly. "You used to be all bad-ass and quiet, but you were way cooler that way." 

"Well, I happen to like being perky and popular!" 

"But it's so pathetic to see how you've become." 

"I-I don't know how to say no to her Irvine." 

"That's it!? I'll show ya! Zell, call Selphie in." 

Zell turned to the door and called Selphie in, and the perky brunette bounced happily into the room. 

"Hey guys! You need me for something?" 

"Yeah babe. Tell me to do something." 

"...Ok. Irvine, I don't want you to look at other girls any more." 

"I'll do what I want woman!" 

"Hmph!" Selphie smacked Irvine on the cheek far more violently than one would think she would and she flounced out of the room. She was as mad as she could get, which wasn't really that mad, but hey, this is Selphie here. 

"Ouch. See Squall? You just have to show them who's boss. Women are like dogs that way..." 

"Uh, Irvine? Your cheek looks kinda purplish-reddish, is that normal?" 

"Look Squall, stop kidding around here, I know it doesn't really look that ba-" Irvine caught his reflection in the computer screen at that moment, and saw that a big, purple weal was rising on the side of his face. 

"OH MY GOD!! LOOK WHAT SHE DID TO MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" 

"Maybe you should go to the infirmary?" Suggested Zell helpfully. 

"Uhn, uhn...sounds like a good idea..." Gasped Irvine, who was hyperventilating. He ran out of the classroom to the infirmary and the good Doctor. 

"Zell's turn!" Said Zell as he hopped over to the desk a little too happily and sat down, wincing slightly with the pressure on his buttocks (buttocks. Buttocks, buttocks, buttocks. What a funny word.). 

"So Squall, the plan was to show you all these charts and diagrams and whatnot, but due to the unforeseen circumstances, we're going to do this my way." 

"OK..." 

"I've prepared a little video presentation. Sit back and enjoy the show." Zell pressed a little remote control he was holding in his hand and the screen behind him filled with the FMV of Squall at Deling City when they're trying to assassinate Edea but the bullet failed so he jumps off the carousel thingy and steals someone's car and goes tearing down the street looking totally cool. 

"Squall, this," Zell says, pointing to the screen behind him, "is the old you. The hip, the cool, the quiet you. The you that everyone respected." Squall just nods, unable to comprehend the fact he had ever done anything this cool in his life. 

"Now this is a peek at what you are now." The scene switches to an episode of the Simpsons in which Lisa has a crush on Nelson and she is telling Milhouse in the lunchroom. 

_"You'll never believe this Milhouse, but I think I have a crush on Nelson Muntz."_

_"What!? Why!? That guy is a total creep!"_

_"I dunno. I'm sure he has a very sweet and sensitive side. Kinda like you Milhouse. Let's just say I want to bring out the Milhouse in Nelson."_

_"But what about me!? I'm all Milhouse!"_

_"You're more like a big sister."_

_"Why does everyone keep saying that!?"_

_"Here, give Nelson this note."_

_"Uhhh...(thinks; when she sees you'll do anything for her, she's bound to respect you.)_ _Sure! What's a big sister for?"_

_See note being passed up to Nelson, he opens it up._

_"Guess who likes you!?"_

_Looks back to see Milhouse waggling his eyebrows at him. Then you see Milhouse being pushed out of the school in a stretcher. Lisa follows him._

_"Oh Milhouse, I'm so sorry!"_

_"He can't hear you little girl, we had to pack his ears with gauze."_

__

__"What are you trying to tell me Zell? That I'll end up like the weenie kid in the stretcher?" Said Squall. Zell meanwhile, is chuckling and eating popcorn, not really paying close attention to Squall. 

"What!? Oh, this is the wrong clip, but I guess it could happen to you. Heeheehee this is great stuff though." 

"I suppose. But where did you get the popcorn?" 

"Huh!? Oh, the author gave it to me" 

"Why didn't I get any popcorn!?" 

"I unno. You didn't have to suffer a Wing Edge being stuck up your bum for her amusement, now did you?" 

"I guess you're right. But I still would have liked some popcorn!" 

"Deal with it." 

"Will you share some with me?" 

"BACK OFF, GET YOUR OWN POPCORN!" 

"OOOOOOOOOOOK!" 

"I'll show you the real clip now." Zell pressed the remote again and the scene flips to a video of him rubbing Rinoa's stinky smelly, warty, crusty feet. You wouldn't think a girl who looked like that would have such disgusting feet, but she did, and somehow she had gotten Squall to touch them for her, when no other self-respecting person would. There was green stuff rising off them, and little hearts coming out of Squall's head. 

"What are those!?" Squall asked, pointing to the hearts and the green stuff. 

"Necessary details." Said Zell hastily as he turned the screen off. "So, what do you think?" 

"That Rinoa has nasty feet and why the hell did I touch them?" 

"Because whenever you're around her, you will do anything she says. You're whipped boyo!" 

"That's what being whipped is?" 

"Yup. You're one of the worst cases I've ever seen." 

"But, w-what am I gonna do now? I can't just break up with her..." 

(dun, dun, DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!) 

...TO BE CONTINUED... 

Author's note: Hmm, now that Squall realizes what a pickle he's in, what's he gonna do!? I haven't decided yet! Tune in again for part 3! I hope you liked this, cause it made me laugh! Please review it!!!!!!! 


	3. Part 3: A Perfect Plan Gone Wrong.

!Whipped! 

Part 3: A Perfect Plan Gone Wrong 

"Zell? You're supposed to be the idea man here! What am I gonna do?" Moaned Squall, and he leaned against Quistis' desk. He heard something click like a camera. "What was that?" 

"Trepie camera." 

"A what?" 

"Trepie camera. It takes a picture of Quistis' ass every time she leans against that desk, and sends it to HQ." 

"THE TREPIES NOW HAVE A PIC OF MY ASS!?" 

"Yeah, so? The Trepies have like, a million pictures of me mooning them." 

"Why do the Trepies have pictures of you mooning them?" 

"Well, you see, at first I thought it would be funny. Now, after my unfortunate accident, I have a reminder of how beautiful my butt used to be." 

"Ah, yes..." 

"Why me? WHYWHYWHY?" Zell sobbed, as dramatically as he could. 

"Are you OK?" 

"No! My once baby-soft cheeks are now scabious and gross, and nobody's ever going to want to look at them again! WAAAAAAAAAH!" He burst into tears, and even Squall was starting to feel sorry for him. 

"Zell? Do you want a hug?" 

"No way! I'm not some osrt of homosexual!" He yelled, his eyes now dry. Squall now wasnt even sure that Zell had actually been crying. 

"Calm down Zell, it just looked like youwanted some comforting. Sorry." 

"Dont ever do that to me again! Now I've got the willies." He shuddered at the thought of Squall comforting him. 

"OK, I wont! But Zell, what are we going to do about my little problem with Rinoa?" Squall whispered, just in case someone was listening in. 

"How are we gonna dump her?" Said Zell very loudly, and Squall put a hand over his mouth. 

"Shh! There might be people who can hear you!" 

"Mmph nmph gragra rumph!" Ssaid Zell angrily, and then he bit Squall's hand. Squall took his hand out of his friend's mouth. 

"Ow! That hurt! And I think it's bleeding!" 

"It's not bleeding." Said Zell, as the bite mark was gushing blood and Squall looked like he was going to faint from the sight of it all. 

"Well, I think I'm still going to go to the Infirmery." 

"Fine. Irvine's still in there, he might have an idea of what do next!" They left the classroom, Zell hobbling out on his crutches. He was quite good with them, and Squall wondered how many times he had to use them. 

"Hey Zell, you been on crutches before?" 

"Hell yeah. Tons of times. See, I broke my leg when I was seven, cuz I was climbing a tree and I was doing all these acrobatics on it, cuz we didnt have an monkeybars, and I fell out, and my leg went 'crunch!' And I was like 'Ow!' And there was blood everywhere cuz the bone was sticking out of my leg....And then there was this other time..." Zell babbled on the whole way about all the injuries he had ever had in his life, from knife cuts to bleeding organs, and Squall was beginning to feel ill again, because Zell was very graphic. 

"Could you stop talking about that?" Said Squall, turning very green as Zell described what gangrrene was. 

"What? Oh sure, we're there anyway." Sure enough, the Infirmery doors loomed overhead, and Squall rushed into the room searching desperately for Irvine, who would save him from the mad and crazy lunatic. Plus, there were band aids in there. Squall grabbed a Mickey Mouse one, and then resumed his quest. Irvine was sitting in one of the little rooms, his face freshly bandaged. 

Zell was not far behind. "Ho there, O Great and Mighty genius of women!" 

Irvine scowled. "I get it. What do you want now?" 

"I've finally decided to believe you guys." 

"It took only TWO severe maimings too!" Zell added helpfully, and Irvine put a hand to his cheek and rolled his eyes. 

"And to think it could have only taken one." 

"Well, I doubt it." Squall said, "Even Rinoa says I'm too picky. Cuz, I mean, if RINOA says you've got a problem, then--" He realized how his friends were glaring at him. "Oh, sorry." 

"Well, you boys are lucky I'm a genius," Irvine continued, "because I already have a plan." 

"Oh! I love plans!" Zell said happily, awkwardly clapping his hands together, a difficult task to do when standing up on crutches. 

"It doesnt involve killing Rinoa, does it?" Squall asked suspiciously. 

"Of course not bro!" Irvine said, mentally scratching off Plan A from his list. "We're just gonna pay a visit to Timber!" 

"You're not going anywhere boys." Doctor Kadowacki said, walking into the room. 

"But Doctor! This is for the good of mankind everywhere!" 

She gave them a look. "Well, in that case..." 

"Thanks darlin'" Irvine said, grabbing his friends by the arms and dragging them out of the Infirmery. 

"Whew! That was close!" 

"Why Timber Irvine?" 

"Because, Squall, the two people who know Rinoa best in the whole world live there." 

"Uh...I'm at a loss." 

"ZONE AND WATTS!" 

"Oh. Right. THOSE guys. Always thought they were a little on the--" 

"Zell, shut up." 

"Yes'm." 

"Anyways, we go ask THEM for help." 

"That's not much of a plan." 

"And what would you do Zell?" 

"Kill her. It's a helluva lot cheaper than buying a train ticket." 

"ZELL!" Squall yelled. 

"What?" 

"Come ON." Irvine said, exasperated. The trio hopped a car to Balamb, and then proceeded on the train. No mishaps occurred, thankfully, on their way to see Zone and Watts, other than Zell muttering about jostling, and ironically enough, the two young men they were seeking were waiting on the platform casually until the SeeDs arrived. 

"Sir! They're here sir!" Watts said excitedly. 

"H-how did you know we were coming Watts?" Squall asked. 

"We received an anonymous phone call. Man, those things are handy." Zone replied, "Now, whaddya say to grabbing a drink?" 

"But we're not--" 

"Tut, tut! Say no more!" Zone tossed them each a fake ID. 

"Come on, before my guily conscience makes m y stomach hurt and I cant enjoy my precious alcohol." They all followed the two resistance group members, and Irvine took a good look at his "new" ID. 

"Whoa. This is really well done." 

Watts turned around, beaming. "Thank you sir! Made em myself!" 

"Mind if I keep it?" 

Watt's smile faded. "No. It'll be fifty gil." 

"Aw..." Irvine hadned over the money as they entered the pub and took over a vacant table and ordered a round. 

"So, the doctor is in. What is it you guys want to know?" Zone asked, taking a sip from his vodka martini. 

"We uh, want to know the best way to break up with Rinoa, you know, seeeing as how you know her the best and all." Squall said, and the two Forest Owls shared a look. 

"I went out with Rinoa once sir." Watts said, shuddering slightly. 

"Really?" Exclaimed Zell. 

"Yeah. I was twelve." 

"Well, out with it dude! How'd ya break it off?" Irvine said impatiently. 

"The only way a man can without losing his dignity: tell her you're gay." 

"What?" 

"It's the ONLY way man." Zone said. 

"Well, I am DEFINETELY not the one to play your lover Squall." Irvine said the the anguishe looking young man. "NOBODY will believe I am into the homo man love." 

Zone, Watts, and Irvine looked at Zell expectantly. "What? No! I dont come of as gay either!" The blonde protested. 

"You collesct ceramic kittens." 

"You can do gymnastics." 

"You wear frilly pink underwear." 

Everyone looked at Watts oddly, while Zell blushed. "It's showing." Sure enough, pink ruffles were sticking out of the top of Zells pants, which he tried to cover, with little success. 

"Zell, I will buy you hotdogs for the rest of your mortal life. I'm friends with the lunch ladies." Squall offered. He had hit a weak point. 

Zell hung his head. "Make that for the rest of my mortal life, PLUS the after life, and you're on." 

"Fine." 

"Great!" Irvine said enthusiastically, clapping Zone and Watts on the back, and dragging his two unhappy friends back to Garden. 

After they left, Zone said to Watts with a chuckle: "Dude! You never went out with Rinoa!" Watts just smiled evily. 

************************************************************************************************ 

The guys arrived back in Squall's room in a heap. Zell and Squall seemed nervous about the performance they were going to have to put on for the Sorceress, and Irvine had been trying to pep them up since they'd left Timber. 

"Come on guys! Your first big scene together! Let's make it magic!" 

"Shut up Irvine." 

"Aw, you dont mean that. We'll script some stuff if you really--" 

Rinoa burst into the room, looking quite pissed. "Squall! Where have you been all day? My feet have been killing me since after you left, and-" Rinoa looked at all the solemn faces and paused. 

"Rinoa darling, I have something to tell you." Squall said, taking the brunette by the hand and leading her to sit next to him on the bed. He quickly gestured to Zell to come sit behind him, and Zell hobbled over. 

"Squall, what is it?" Irvine watched the scene with interest. 

"Rinoa...I"m gay. Zell and I have been..cavorting together for a while now." Squall said seriously, grabbing the blonde fighter's hand. 

"Oh...I'm happy for you." Rinoa said calmly, almost TOO calmly. 

"Really?" 

"Yes. I just, I just want to see how happy you two are. Dont be shy. You guys dont have to hide your true feelings around me anymore, now that I know." 

The trio shared a look of horror. "Pardon?" 

"Kiss him. Kiss your friend!" 

Neither Zell nor Squall had anticipated this, and they looked around nervously. 

"Go on!" Rinoa urged, "It's not like you've never done it before!" 

"That's heh, right. We do this all the time, in private, dont we Squall?" 

"Yeah..." Squall grabbed Zell on either side of his face, and leaned in, lips puckered. 

"Eyah! I cant do this!" Zell cried, pulling away." No hot dog, or millions of hot dogs, are worth this!" 

"I KNEW it!" Rinoa yelled triuphantly. 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Irvine screamed, several minutes too late. Rinoa grabbed Zell and Irvine by the ears and tossed them out of Squall's room. 

"Squally and I need to talk. ALONE. WITHOUT you two brainwashing him." She said, slamming the door in their faces. The martial artist and the sharpshooter paced outside Squalls' room for several hours, and eventually Rinoa came out of the dorm room, a smug smile on her face. 

"You're back together, arent you?" Irvine said morosely. 

"Yup. I have just one thing I want to say to you two." Rinoa walked up to the pair and grabbed theit 'happy sacks,' twisting them painfully. "Squall is MINE. If you ever come between us again, I will cut off your gentitalia and eat them in a buttercream sauce. Understood?" She twisted again for empahsis, and Zell and Irvine gulped. 

"Perfectly." 

"Of course." 

Rinoa let go, and walked away, whistling. Zell and Irvine never meddled with Squall's love life, even though the Sorceress continued to make him her slave. However, the pair did manage to trp her in an elevator, however, let's just say, they're not available to comment. 

THE END 

Author's Note: I FINALLY FINISHED IT!! AFTER LIKE, A YEAR, FINALLY!! I hope you liked it, sorry I didnt warn you bout the gay bit! Mwahahaha! 


End file.
